All good things must come to an end.
It’s been a pleasure.
As the Central Line runs right under the City’s financial district, TFL in their wisdom have decided in install stickers with live share prices, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
TFL often undertakes works to the Central Line during the weekend. This is essential for the safety of its passengers. Unfortunately in this case, the red line was printed with cheap ink. It therefore has a tendacy to spontaniously snap, with fatal consequences.
For years we’ve been told that the tube stops at 12.30am, but now we can exclusively reveal the reality. Between the hours of 1am and 5am the Central Line turns into a Grand Prix track whereby trains must complete 3 ‘laps’ of the Central Line. As a result several modifications are essential, such as a pit stop where faults that would ordinarily cause hours of delays can be fixed in less than a minute enabling trains to quickly rejoin the race.
The east end of the Central Line has given its true identity away, C-7842537 from the planet Tanner Celli. Beware London! The Central Line is no longer safe, we must all now abandon it!
Cutbacks on the Tube have forced TFL to look for new ways of generating income. Colour city is a hopeful concept which relies on both record gold prices, and finding the pot of gold at the end of rainbow (which is rumoured to be somewhere between Greenford and Northolt).
London provides a below average international transport network for refugees; the underside of the Eurostar, damp shipping containers and semi-inflated dinghies that line the coast (only accessible via a belly dive into the English Channel after an already rocky P&O Ferry journey).
Hardly a premium service from a capital city. Therefore TFL have risen to the challenge, and very thoughtfully created a convenient and safe point of collection.
Tesco food, Tesco Mobile and now Tesco Tube. The rise and rise of Tesco Tube continues unabated in similar fashion to that of its food counterpart. While the first station may only have opened in April 2011, Tesco soon realised that it didn’t have at least another 2 stations within 100 metres. This was swiftly rectified.
We all appreciate how underpaid the workers at TFL are and on a Friday afternoon, after a long day slaving away at the printing press, who can blame a London Underground employee for missing the occasional station?
TFL is acutely aware of the long suffering commuters who frequent the Tube on a daily basis. However through the dedication of its employees, TFL strives to continually improve its services to offer a healthy, clean and functioning underground network.
Therefore on the rare occasion that a station must be temporarily closed TFL generously provides a replacement taxi service.
It is a known fact that the London Underground is the most popular mode of transport for both locals and visitors, and with speeds of 600mph why wouldn’t it be. But with varied air pressures deep inside the tunnels it’s no surprise that occasionally passengers will experience turbulence. We only feel that it is our duty to make the users aware of this, since TFL choose not to!
In an attempt to deal with Britain’s worsening obesity crisis TFL are working to ensure that their customers get at least 45 minutes exercise each day. At peak times there will be strategic station closures, forcing commuters to break into a frantic jog should they wish to get to work on time.
Mind the gap
Tube trains are competitive creatures by nature. Male trains have been known to overtake each other on blind corners and dark tunnels simply to impress their counterparts of the opposite sex. As a result TFL have been forced to crackdown, ensuring passenger safety and that all eyes remain firmly on the track.
In an attempt to increase advertising revenues, TFL has opened up each station to sponsorship. Unfortunately they didn’t forsee that Playboy would be interested. As a result Hanger Lane contains ‘“scenes of a sexual nature” and is now only accessible to those aged 18 or over.
